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Sunday, April 1st, 2007
7:08 pm - I'm Back!
I can't make any promises yet, but I'm hoping to write in here more.  I'd like to feel more connected with all my wonderful friends, especially those of you who are far away.  I'd like to be more connected with the outside world in general.

So how is everyone doing?  I'm ok, although I'm a bit sick and lethargic at the moment.

So I just have to say...I love long, hot showers.  They are so relaxing and one of the best places to think.  The  hum of the water hitting the shower wall is so hypnotizing.  I can easily retreat into my own world of thoughts, as I always seem to have a lot on my mind these days.  It's not a bad thing, just that I'm naturally contemplative.  Maybe I'll share some of my shower thoughts and epiphanies on here sometime.  I'm guessing most of you will find them either intriguing or boring, and probably a bit silly at times.  But that's ok. 

I'm in a transition right now in my life.  There are some things I'm working on to improve, and some things I'd like to change.  I've had some pretty big ups and downs in the last year.  I've also had some good experiences and moments to reflect on,  as well as great improvements in some areas.  As for right now, life isn't fantastic.  It isn't awful either.  Right now life is just...good.  With lots of room for improvement.

current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
12:28 am - Hello All
So it's been a long while since I've updated this journal. I'm not really sure why it has been so long. I've been inspired to write about things happening in my life, but somehow I just never get around to it in this form. Anyway, I'm still here. Life is alright, lots to talk about, but I'm probably going to save it for another entry.

It's funny how so much can be expressed, revealed, perceived and understood in one moment. Just one moment and you can know so much. It's all in the facial expression, the body language, the hand gestures, the choice of words, the tone of voice. Sometimes it's the nonverbal communication that says more, that speaks the truth. Words convey meaning, but it's the delivery that conveys their context. Language is a beautiful thing. It's a form of communication that encompasses many forms. To utilize language successfully is an art and a skill.

Language was an art for me tonight. My mind was my palate. My words, their colorful expression, my paint. The night, my canvas. And you, my subject. Not you particularly, but you. And as I painted this picture with my eyes I realized that I had captured a moment.

And that image of you will forever stay with me in my mind...

current mood: pensive

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Friday, September 2nd, 2005
8:06 pm - Just For Fun
I did it two different times, because I was that bored :P. Sad, but oh well. I had a busy day today so tonight is a lazy night.

1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
my answersCollapse )

current mood: relaxed

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Sunday, July 24th, 2005
2:17 am - I am here still
I know I haven't updated in a while. There is so much I want to talk about, but no way I could get to half of it in one entry.

I just have to say, I'm glad I didn't end up making the decision I was contemplating a couple of months ago. I am glad I followed my instincts and waited things out instead. I am in a much better place now and best of all, I am happy. I definitely made all the right decisions...yay! :)

For the most part, life is good.

Ok, so I know it's kinda late already to be posting this, but who is up for hanging out today (Sunday) and possibly making an outing to Walden Pond? It will probably be around noonish or later if needed. I spoke to Lidia yesterday about it and we wanted to get a group together for all those people who are still in the Newton area/nearby. Let me know if you want to join us!

"What's the worst thing I can say? Things are better if I stay. So long and goodnight, so long and goodnight..."

current mood: content

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Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
1:32 am - Rufus Wainwright, Ben Folds
Alright, who wants to come with me to see Rufus Wainwright and Ben Folds on Friday, August 5th, at the Bank of America Pavilion? Tickets are $35.00.

I don't have tickets yet so if you're interested in going, let me know. And soon! I wanna hurry up and get tickets.

Anyone and everyone is free to come if you like :).

I would like to go see Coldplay on Saturday, August 6th, at the Tweeter Center, but I think that concert might already be sold out. Oh well, maybe next time.

current mood: calm

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Monday, June 13th, 2005
ROGER WATERS HAS JOINED DAVID GILMOUR, RICK WRIGHT, and NICK MASON AS PINK FLOYD TO PLAY AT THE LIVE EIGHT BENEFIT. This is sooooo exciting!!! No words can convey my excitement, happiness, joy, hope, etc. :P.

I learned about this from finding_rowan


More Info about it here THE LIVE EIGHT BENEFIT

Haha, and an introduction written by Bob Geldof. Perfect :). I WOULD SO LOVE TO GO and actually WOULD if I could. But I can't :/. Damn, my brother's wedding, lack of cash, short notice, and Pink Floyd playing in England :P.

Still though... Maybe there IS still hope for me before I die!

current mood: excited

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Sunday, June 12th, 2005
2:17 pm - Crazy Connections!
Ok so my life has gotten a bit more exciting and this time, in a good way. My brother's wedding is coming up soon, so we're really busy with that. I've been having quite an interesting, adventurous, and spontaneous couple of weeks full of socializing and fun. I have so much to talk about! But I think I'm gonna start with my experiences within the last week and the weird connections I have found.

OK, so on Monday, I hung out with Seth. I hadn't seen him in 2 years and had barely talked to him much within the last couple of years, so it was good to see him after all this time and we had fun hanging out. Yeah, we got into a stupid fight and stopped talking at one point. It was all really dumb. But it's good that we're in touch again now. We went out for lunch at the Cheescake Factory, and we HAD to go there because he had never been there before. It was so good we stuffed ourselves and could not eat for the rest of the day! And then we went to see Cinderella Man which was entertaining. I like Russel Crowe, he's a good actor. Afterwards, Seth came over and tried to fix my troublesome computer, and ended up staying for 6 hours trying to do so. He ended up leaving at like, 1 AM. But thanks Seth, for mostly fixing it! ;) I appreciate the time and effort you put into that. And you didn't have to stay all that time. I would have understood if you had to leave earlier, you know :P.

So anyway, while Seth and I were dealing with my evil computer for 6 hours, we had plenty of time to catch up and talk. I asked him who he still kept in touch with from UML and one of the people he mentioned was Ryan John. So I was thinking that there aren't too many Ryan Johns out there and wondered if it was the same person I knew from years ago. Turns out it was him! It was weird! And so random! Does anyone remember him? He was in my grade and went to Brown Middle School with me, but moved to Concord after 7th grade. LOL, Ryan was this little Indian kid who had a huge crush on me in 7th grade, complete with notes left in my locker, a poem, a ring, and a mixed tape :P. I may not have felt the same way about him, but we did become friends. He was geeky, like me, but my own personal theory was always that if he was a bigger guy and in high school, he probably would have been considered cool, or cooler anyway :P. And for the record, it was Ryan and this other kid, Vinay who started calling me Nads! And it stuck :P. Thanks, Ryan. Anyway, we lost touch after he moved. I never talked to him or saw him again. So you know, I never expected to see or talk to him again ever.

So now I'm finding out that he goes to UML, but started going there after I left and he is friends with Seth! But the funniest thing is that he's in the band, No One's Kind, which I had seen at UML with Tim, before he joined. And I was thinking how weird it would have been if I had gone to see the band perform on a few of those occasions I had thought about going, and then had seen him playing guitar up on stage. That would have been whacked! So Seth decided to harass Ryan about the letters he wrote to me in 7th grade and the crush he had on me. It was funny, although I did feel kinda bad about letting him do that :P. It's all good though. Ryan and I started talking again and it's been pretty cool. We've been staying up all night talking, catching up on lost time and being goofy. We're finding that we have a lot in common. He's a cool cat :).

So anyway, for a few days, Ryan had been trying to convince me to go see the No One's Kind show up in Nashua last night. I said I might go, but I'm sure he didn't expect me to actually show up :P. Originally I was gonna go with Lindsay, but then she was too exhausted and ended up staying home to take a nap. And Seth was also too exhausted to wanna go out. So I decided to be spontaneous, adventurous, and daring and went by myself, knowing I wouldn't know anyone there. And again, I proved to myself that I could be thrown into a social situatoin where I don't know anyone, still be ok, and make friends easily. But you know, who does that anyway?! Show up to a show alone, not knowing anyone, to see on old friend from 10 years ago play in a band? A friend I just recently started talking to again this week and who used to have a crush on me in 7th grade, lol. Only a crazy nut like me :P. But it was awesome! I had fun and it was cool meeting up with him. And No One's Kind put on a good show. Some of the other bands weren't so good, but I'm glad I went after all :).

So while I was at the show, I met the other guitarist of the band, Mark Hartzler, who happens to be from Reading and knows Tim! And in fact, I technically met him before, as Tim's girlfriend, when we encountered him at the Newbury Comics in Woburn, because he used to work there. He did look familiar, too, so maybe that's why. Furthermore, Mark was telling me how he saw Tim at Barnes and Noble recently when he was with Ryan. So technically, Ryan met Tim! A guy who used to have a crush on me in 7th grade met my most recent ex-boyfriend. They both liked the same person, although at different stages in life, but didn't even know it, lol. That's messed up! But anyway, turns out Mark knows a bunch of the same people I do from Reading, naturally. I realize the kind of reputation John has now, for when I asked Mark if he knew him, his instant reaction was, "STAAAAAAMOOOOSSSS!" Everyone seems to know and love Stamos :). He is the famous Stamos :P. He really is like a friggin' celebrity around the area ;).

And then, the other connection of the night was a friend of Ryan and Mark's, who happens to be friends with a couple of my friends from UML and we even share a mutual friend on our lj friends list. He went to middle school in Concord with Ryan in 8th grade and goes to UML now. The funniest thing though, is that he is friends with Tim's friend, Paula! It really is a small world. And a crazy one at that :P. I've been finding all sorts of crazy connections all week. Actually, all month really.

current mood: weird

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Friday, June 10th, 2005
11:48 am - What a weird, unpleasant way to wake up in the morning!
Ack! So I was sleeping soundly, when I was awoken by this awful, loud scraping sound this morning. It was the guy scraping and cleaning the windows outside, so I slowly get up and peer out my window to see where he's at and there he is at MY window! It was quite alarming and I wish I had fair warning about that. Thanks mom and dad. But I guess it could have been worse. It's a good thing I wasn't masturbating, dancing around naked, or just getting out of the shower and getting dressed when that happened!:P The only thing was that I was wearing this thin, meshy, see through white tank top/lingerie top, so I did try to get out of bed without him noticing me, but it didn't work. He most definitely saw me, so I just stupidly smiled and waved. Hopefully he didn't catch anything too exciting :P.

Hey! I just asked my mom what would have happened if I had gone to sleep naked, and she said in this calm, nonchalant, matter-of-fact way, "Well, then he would have gotten a free show." And then when I was like, "Hey!" she just laughed like it was no big deal! Ha, really, THANKS MOM! No FREE show unless I say so! :P. I mean, I was pretty much already half-naked. If anything like that happens again, I'm gonna charge by the minute ;).

Ack! He's at the window of this computer room now! I know he's not intentionally doing it, but man, I feel kinda like I'm being stalked in my own house! :P OK, time for me to go. Later guys!

EDIT: So when I finished with this entry, my mom comes in the room, while the guy is still at the window, and tells me that he has just graduated from high school and comments on how he is a good looking fellow. Then she goes on to say that if I WERE naked, he would have appreciated getting a good eyeful! And in an almost "It's too bad he missed out" kinda way. OK, so I'm glad that he wasn't a dirty old man, and yes OK, I admit that he's really hot and all, but still! That is just not OK! Apparently my mom possesses some kind of closet exhibitionist side of her (or at least condones it) that I never realized before. Ha, so I see where I get it from now :P.

current mood: awake

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Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
6:45 pm - I Wish...
Hey, why can't *I* have a sweet, loving boyfriend who will buy *ME* a Yorkie puppy for *MY* birthday? :/

Mike Morrione is getting Ally a puppy for her 21st birthday. That is so nice of him! I'm so jealous. And of all the puppies, it's a Yorkie! What a funny coincidence. That happens to be the exact dog I want to get, and WILL get eventually. I've known for a month now that I want a Yorkie. Ever since I started playing at David's house all the time :P. I've totally fallen in love with them, and I've made up my mind now. I would get a puppy Right Now if I could. But I want an adorable, funloving, healthy Yorkie puppy with a good personality, and I haven't found any Yorkie like that in my price range yet. I will keep searching until I find one though.

Anyone who wants to buy or find me one is welcome to, though ;).

At Buck and Mike's BBQ birthday party on Sunday, a couple there had two 10 week old Yorkie puppies, a male and a female. And they were so adorable! They were the life and talk of the party :P. But it was a funny coincidence that I encountered them there, at such a perfect time, because it just reinforced my desire and decision to get a Yorkie now. No doubts about it now. And just when I've been seriously looking around for Yorkies in the past couple of weeks. I wonder if those puppies were why Ally decided she wanted a Yorkie. If so, I can totally understand :).

current mood: jealous

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Saturday, June 4th, 2005
2:34 pm - Yay! I can fit into my pants again!
So I can fit into the pants I couldn't fit into a month or two ago :)! I had a pair of gray velvet pants and a pair of jeans that I haven't worn in a long time because I could barely get them past my hips and big ass, let alone zip them up and button them. This is exciting. I'm glad I'm not gaining any more weight, although it really wasn't all that much to begin with.

I never thought of myself as a stress eater and I never thought I could be one until this past Winter. I think I had become very stressed out, anxious, and depressed and because it was so overwhelming at times, I was not coping with it in the best way. For example, if I had a major exam to study for, I'd find myself in the kitchen getting a snack. Or if I had a lot on my mind and was upset from a fight with Tym or something, I'd find myself thinking about it over cheesecake or something. But NO, I never did the sit-in-front-of-the-TV-and-sulk-and-eat-a-pint-of-ice-cream-and-listen-to-cheesy-girly-songs thing. I didn't become THAT much of a girl, but it was close enough that I got very irritated with myself :P. And to make matters worse, I spent much of January and February lying in bed. I wasn't being as active as I should have been and if I felt too overloaded I'd get extremely tired, I'd shut down, and seek comfort and refuge under the warm, safe covers of my bed. Although I've always loved blankets and bed and sleep, it got to a very unhealthy point where it was almost ridiculous at times. I think it eventually got on Tym's nerves actually. I still love all those things, but I don't seek my bed out when things are getting on top of me. At least, not in that context :P. But anyway, that's how I started gaining some more weight, and I was not thrilled.

It's really amazing how low my self-esteem had become in the last few months of my relationship with Tym. Like, it's never been so low in my life! Ever! Within a couple weeks after the relationship was over, I was already back to normal. Thank God. I think about it and I have to say to myself, "Oh my God Nadira, what was wrong with you?! You were crazy!" I'm not blaming it on Tym or anything, but I think I started to internalize the feelings of neglect I felt coming from him. And also the disinterest in me and lack of sexual feelings toward me he seemed to have. And at the same time, I was starting to gain weight, and although that wasn't related at all, it was something else for me to feel negative about and it all started to blend in together. Perhaps I felt like I was becoming less attractive to him somehow, even though that makes no sense. My weight was something I knew I could improve and feel better about, and then when I couldn't control it as well as I thought I could, it made me feel even worse and hopeless. And I was already feeling like I had no control over many other things going on in my life at the time, like my health and my relationship. I didn't know where I belonged in Tym's world and it made me feel all sorts of negative and anxious. Before I knew it, I was one low self-confident mess that I hope never ever happens again, because it was absolutely ridiculous and maybe a bit crazy for me. I wonder how I let myself get that way. It seemed to just sneak up on me, but when I think about it now, it seems obvious what was happening. In all fairness to me though, it was a very confusing and emotional time, so it was easy to let that one slip by me, especially since it was actually the least of my concerns.

I mean, honestly, it was crazy, because it's not like Tim had any kind of problem with my body or my weight. In fact, he tends to like girls who have a bit of meat on them and who have shapely curves. So I was still definitely within the realm of what he thought was attractive. You know, like this one time, he decided to take my measurements just for fun and then compared me to this model he likes, Vida Guerra. And she has a pretty big ass. As it turns out, we were almost the same, only that her waist was smaller, which is probably the reason why her butt looks so big. Actually, when I got measured for the bridesmaid dress for Sunil's wedding, I found out that my measurements are 34-27-37, and I think that Vida Guerra's is the same, only with like a 24 or 25 inch waist, or something like that. But anyway, at the time, I wasn't happy to find out that I had hips or a butt like hers. But now that I think about it, it was silly of me, because Tym found her to be very attractive, so in terms of body, of course he'd still find me attractive in the same way. And it's nice to know that I can have a body similar to that of a model! That should have been uplifting enough in itself. But I was in my own world of thought somewhere.

But anyway, I am happy with my weight and body now :). I just want to tone my body in some areas, but I'm not looking to lose any more weight. In fact, I don't want to lose any more weight. I've come to really love and value these curves that I have and I don't want to lose them. And funny enough, it is Tym who got me to appreciate and love my body this much. He's the one who got me to appreciate and actually want a curvacious body with a big ass :P. So yeah, with that in mind, I promise to never get crazy like that again.

OK, enough ranting. Now off to Willy's graduation party :).

current mood: happy

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4:02 am - Time For a Change...
So I decided to finally change my user icon, in case you haven't noticed already, but I'm guessing you probably have. It is kinda hard to miss :P. I'm aware that it is kind of a drastic change from my last icon, but I decided to be a little more daring this time. I got sick of the sword angel, which I've had for at least 3 1/2 to 4 years now. So yeah, definitely time for a change.

I've decided that I really like photography. I like taking pictures of the beauty I see in everyday life. I love taking pictures of people and objects, and I'm finding that I even like to take pictures of myself at times. This is a new discovery, for I never thought I would actually like it. I think I have to be in the right mood for it, though. But there is something I find kinda fascinating about being the object of art in my own work. I hope that isn't too narcisistic :P. This is the silly part of me that thinks I could be a model coupled with the closet exhibitionist in me speaking :P. But I guess that's ok. These moments don't happen too often. So anyway, I've been exploring the world through the lens of my camera a lot lately. I am reminded a bit of that scene from Lost In Translation when Scarlett Johansson's character says something about "every girl going through a photography phase where she ends up taking a bunch of silly pictures of her feet," or something to that effect. I'm not sure if it is just a phase for me, but I see what she means :P. I mean, I'm not always taking or going to be taking pictures of my feet, but I see the absurdity and silliness in taking pictures of the randomest and most pointless things and making it art. This I do find fascinating, but seriously, it's not hard to find art and beauty in the most mundane of things. You can bring out and capture the life and beauty of anything if you try. Or if you have a good eye for it. Whether I'm good at it or not, I'm realizing that I like it as a hobby :). Actually, photography is something I've liked for a long time, but kind of forgot about, so I'm just recently discovering it all over again, which is always neat and exciting when that happens.

The last couple of weeks or so have been pretty nifty. I'm not sure if I have a better word for it. There have definitely been ups and downs, but it's also been fun and spontaneous and eventful, although at the same time, very ordinary. Kinda strange how it all works out, but it does. So many changes, so many experiences, so much catching up, so much reflection and introspection. Some experiences have seemed very surreal to me lately and others have been very in-your-face realistic. And some have been an odd combination of both, which I find to be the most interesting of all.

Yesterday was a good spontaneous day. Deanna called me out of the blue and was like, "Nadira, I'm bored. Let's go into Boston!" So we decided to be all spontaneous and take advantage of the beautiful day. I impressively got ready in like, 20 minutes and David, Deanna, Katia, and I headed into Boston. As we were driving away from my house, I realized that I had left my watch and hair elastic at home, so I made a lighthearted joke about "letting loose a little" because I'd let my hair go wild in the wind and lose track of time for the day :P. That was the kind of day it was, though. We decided to go to the Faneuil Hall/Haymarket area just to chill and walk around and relax. We ate dinner there, had amazingly good ice cream for dessert, and looked at very pretty and way too expensive stones that I could not afford :P. It was nice and reminded me a little bit of when we were in high school and didn't do anything in particular really, but we'd take trips into Boston and have a blast just by being together and enjoying the atmosphere. That is the kind of thing Deanna had in mind anyway when we decided to go into Boston for the day in the first place. I think my favorite part of the whole day was when some guy at the marketplace commented on how lucky David was because he had not 1, but 3 beautiful girls with him ;). After Boston, we hung out at David's house and I got to play with Hopkin :). We also watched The Return, a very artsy and emotionally provoking Russian movie that I really liked. I recommend that you see it, especially if you have the same taste in movies as I do. So yeah, yesterday was a great time and I'm glad we seized the day :).

And then to add to the random, spontaneous flavor of the day, I ended up talking to Stamos for a while, and that was pretty cool. I've come to love and adore him as a person and I value him as a friend. We've had a good few years to get to know each other and form a friendship. Although Tym was central to our friendship, it didn't always have to be that way, and in fact, we had gotten to the point where we could chill, hang out and talk without Tym around or without Tym as a reference point. So I'm happy that we're keeping in touch and glad the feeling is mutual there.

I have more stuff to write about the last couple of weeks, but I will save it for another entry.

current mood: content

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Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
4:13 pm - Dream Awake
It's weird how sometimes the dream world and actual reality blend together to form what seems like a completely new and different altered state of consciousness. It's amazing really.

Like this morning, for example, I was still sleeping soundly in my warm, comfy bed, in the midst of some surreal and emotional dream. In my dream, I was somewhere very beautful. I was standing on a very green landscape, and I could see the skyline in the distance from where I was, the breathtaking view of where the water meets the sky. And the air was a bit misty, although the sun was shining down gorgeously and generously on us. I was with other people, but I only have a vague idea of who. I think I was standing outside a church. I want to say that I was in Ireland or Scotland, but I can't be sure. But that is what the scene reminded me of and it certainly sounds like it could be Ireland or Scotland :P. This place in my dream even reminded me a bit of the Cliffs of Moher when I was there, but in actuality, there's a castle there, not a church. But anyway, you get the point. I was somewhere beautiful like that and I was dressed nicely. I was wearing something light and springy, but elegant and definitely appropriate for church. I felt strangely nostalgic and melancholy, although at peace at the same time.

So anyway, I was having this lovely and curious dream. Meanwhile, in reality, the gardeners were outside mowing the lawn and blowing away the grass cuttings and leaves off the sidewalks and driveway. So somehow I translated the sound of the lawnmower into the sound of bagpipes playing a very melancholy tune in my dream. And the sound of the blower, or whatever you call one of those things, I translated into an annoying bee that was buzzing around my ear. And it all fit in so perfectly and made the dream that much more surreal. And as the gardeners got louder with their gardening tools, I slowly drifted out of my sleep. But it was still weird because I remember at one point during the process of arousal from sleep, thinking that I was still hearing bagpipes and a bumble bee, even though I knew in my head that it was actually the the gardeners outside I was hearing. My dream turned reality became very surreal even when I opened my eyes. I can only think of the song title and lyric "Dream Awake" by the Frames, because that was what it was like. And then, of course, 5 minutes later, when the real reality of the situation kicked in, I got extremely irritated at the gardeners for waking me up with their loud and annoying noise. I was rather enjoying my dream and curious about where it was going :).

So I've always been someone who has had vivid dreams that seem a little too real sometimes. I've even had dreams that do come to mean something in real life. I've come to realizations, epiphanies, and had mystic experiences in my dreams. I've had interesting and complex learning experiences through my dreams. But I've often also had very imaginitive and surreal dreams as well. The kind of dreams I would want to write stories and even books about. Furthermore, I dream a lot and I often remember them, and often in great detail, too. I feel like I'm very well attuned and closely in touch with my subconscious in this way. So the mind is a mysterious and complex work of art that needs more exploring :). Lately, I've had many dreams that I've wanted to post about or share with you guys in some way, but I haven't gotten around to it. Maybe I will still write about them. But they will be saved for later entries.

Deanna just called me and now we are going to seize the day and be spontaneous :). See you later, alligator!

current mood: spontaneous

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Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
12:45 pm - Puppy Love!
So I've been to David's house enough times to know that I really want a puppy badly :P. There are so many puppies and doggies to play with over there, and they are all so fun and cute! Yeah, surprisingly the novelty has not worn off yet, but I realize that it's because I would love to have a puppy of my own right now. But they're too expensive. I doubt I could afford one right now. And also, when I move out, I might not be allowed to have the puppy with me wherever I am. I'll probably move out next year and I wouldn't want to leave the responsibility of taking care of the dog to my parents, although my mom would probably enjoy having another dog around.

I've also fallen in love with the Yorkshire Terriers. I didn't even know I liked them until after playing with them so much at David's house. I think I would actually want to own one, or a loveable dog like it in size. They're so little, funloving, frisky, playful, cuddly, cute, loveable, easy to take care of, and I believe they are fairly easily trainable. They're easy for me to pick up and hold and I can take them anywhere I go. The only thing is that I want one with a good personality, which is important to me. As Deanna put it, the Yorkie can't be neurotic :P. I'd like a little puppy who doesn't freeze when you pick him up, a puppy that is not afraid of objects bigger than itself, and one that is pretty fearless. So of course, David's dog, Hopkin, is my favorite :P. That little Yorkie leads all the other little Yorkie puppies and likes to play with the German Shepherd. Hopkin would come sit in my lap while I was working on my paper. I was sitting on the cushion on the floor with my laptop on the bench in front of me and he would just climb up on me and plop himself comfortably on my lap. It was the cutest and most comforting thing ever! And when I needed it most :). And then it was even cuter, although mildly frustrating at the time, when Hopkin decided to try and use the laptop himself :P.

So anyway, I've come to the conclusion that for the most part, puppies make better company than boyfriends :P. They're so cute, cuddly, comforting, fun, loveable, and loyal. They will always love you and will be by your side until one of you dies. Yeah, they may talk back sometimes and may not always listen, but they never argue and usually do what you want :P. Someone get me a little Yorkie puppy with a good personality, please ;).

current mood: wishful thinking

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Monday, May 30th, 2005
10:36 am - Reflections and Condolences
So Mike Doherty's dad, Paul "Pablo" Doherty, passed away on May 24th of this year. Although I wasn't that close to Mike D., I still feel sad about it and my heart goes out to him, his family, and his dad.

Mike D. is Tym's friend. Having been with Tym for 3 years, I felt like his family and friends had also become my family and friends. They had all become very important to me and I felt like I had a place in their lives, and not always just as Tym's girlfriend. I was around long enough so that I was able to build my own relationships with his family and some of his friends. And I still value them all.

Mike D. was someone I was not close to, but I had befriended anyway. I got to know him over the past few years, but definitely more so within the past year because we hung out with him more. We never really hung out all that much, but it was enough so that I felt like I knew him. It was a close and comfortable enough acquaintance/friendship so that whenever he saw me he would smile, make a point to greet me and give me a big hug. And I think that counts for something, because I did not have that kind of relationship with all of Tym's friends. He is a cool guy and fun to hang out with and although he had not become a good friend to me in the way like say, Stamos had, I still valued him as a person and as an acquaintance/friend nonetheles. I also got to know his sister, Kate, a bit and she's nice, too. I did meet their dad a few times and he was always very nice to me during those occasions.

So even now, I feel like there is still enough reason for me to care about the loss of their dad and to have them all in my thoughts at this time. I mean, after all, I couldn't imagine losing my dad at this point in my life and would be very upset if that happened to me. So I can only imagine what it must be like for them right now. And even if just for that reason, they have my deepest sympathy. So to Mike, Kate, and all the rest of the Dohertys: I am very sorry to hear about your loss and I hope that you find comfort in your memories of him and in the love and presence of family and friends. You guys are in my thoughts and I'm sending you my love. I'm also saying a prayer for your dad, if that's ok. May he rest in peace.

I wish I could be there to send them my condolences in person, but although I can't be there, I hope Tym will let them know on my behalf. I would really appreciate that.

current mood: melancholy

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Saturday, May 28th, 2005
2:37 am - Another Thing About the Decemberists Show...
So one thing I forgot to mention about the Decemberists show was how their music affected me emotionally. I don't know if I was expecting it to have such an effect, but it did. I felt my heart pounding softly inside of me and I wanted to cry, particularly during "the Engine Driver," "(From My Own True Love) Lost At Sea," "We Both Go Down Together," "the Bagman's Gambit," and "the Bus Mall." But I didn't. The desire to laugh and cry at the same time made me overwhelmed with excitement and a bittersweet state of reflection instead. Somehow those songs were in just the right order and it was incredible. I think "the Engine Driver" was the most passionate and moving of them all. I really, really love that song. It makes me feel extremely nostalgic and melancholy, but in that beautiful way.

"I'm a money lender
I have fortunes upon fortunes
Take my hand for tender
I am tortured, ever tortured

And if you don't love me let me go
And if you don't love me let me go

And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
My bones
My bones

And if you don't love me let me go
And if you don't love me let me go"

current mood: nostalgic

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Thursday, May 26th, 2005
2:16 am - That Was Fucking Awesome!
I am so glad I went to see the Decemberists tonight! It was a fantastic show and I had a really fun night :).

I went with Katia, Alex T, Frank, and Frank's friend from college, Kate. It was really great getting to catch up with Alex and Frank because it has been way too long since I've seen either of them. It was also nice meeting Kate, who was really nice and seemed to fit right into the group. Anyway, we took the T into Boston to see the show. The weather was shitty, but we still managed to find fun and adventure in walking around in the cold rain and dramatic winds, skipping around puddles, fighting with our umbrellas, and chatting up a storm :P.

The show itself was great! I liked every song they played. At one point, I had to go to the bathroom near the beginning of the show from drinking Magners, but I was waiting for a good opportunity to go where I wouldn't miss anything I would regret. Well, I ended up enjoying the show so much that I eventually forgot that I had to go in the first place and just ended up going at the end of the show! One really pleasant surprise that I would never have expected was that they covered "Wuthering Heights" by Kate Bush! I was both thrilled and impressed! I mean, Kate Bush isn't exactly an artist I would expect them to cover, but all the same, I appreciated and loved it. Besides, I must say, it was a fairly good cover and Petra Haden did manage to sound kinda like Kate Bush, too. I wonder if they are influenced at all by Kate Bush? I also wonder how many people in the audience appreciated the performance of that song as much as I did. After all, she is one of my favorite artists and I know that she is not necessarily all that well known or liked by everyone. Although, if anyone is to know her, they would probably most likely know "Wuthering Heights," because that was her big hit single.

I like the Decemberists even more now after seeing them live, because not only are they good, talented musicians who play great music, they are also entertaining, they have fun when they play their music, they have a quirky sense of humor I love, and are definitely geeks :P. I mean, come on, you have to admit, breaking out into "Hava Nagila" in the middle of "the Chimbley Sweep" is both musically amazing and quite geeky. No wonder I like their stuff so much :P. My favorite part of the show was when they ended with "Chimbley Sweep" because it was such an experience. Before they broke out into "Hava Nagila" in the middle of the song, there was this really cool part where all the group members switched instruments so that no one was playing their own instrument and they just jammed. They managed to pull it off and it was just so fun and entertaining to hear and watch. And you could tell they were having a blast with it. They jammed for a while and then it somehow turned into "Hava Nagila." And then they jammed, gradually getting quieter and quieter, until it was absolutely quiet. Colin Meloy made us get on our knees, put a finger to his lips, and then he whispered, "Shhh, they're sleeping," while all the rest of the band members fell to the floor and were lying on the stage pretending to be asleep. And then suddenly, they got up and finished the song with a dynamic ending. Yeah, like I said, they have a quirky sense of humor.

I am really glad I ended up buying the instant live CD of the show tonight because it's so worth it! Now I own the live recording of the show I went to which is actually a pretty cool idea. I did splurge a little and bought myself a T-shirt as well, but I was with good company, at a good show, having a good time, so I figured, what the heck?! Why not treat myself a little bit? Why not give myself that little extra sweet? :P. So I did and now I'm content. After the show we all went back to Frank's house. We listened to good music and we had some good conversation over tea which was all warm and comforting and perfect after walking in the rain and also very appropriate for the mood after going to see the Decemberists. Overall it was a very good night :).

So ok, alright. I guess I can have a good time at a show or concert without Tym :P. But that's not to say that he wasn't in my thoughts. After all, I remember how he loved to play the Decemberists on his guitar and especially every time he performed in front of an audience. So I couldn't help but think of him at times, but that's ok. These are the warm, fond memories I have. They will always have their place in my heart. And after all, he does still have a place in my life. And rightly so I think.

current mood: content

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Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
3:11 pm - Anyone Interested in Seeing the Decemberists?
I am going to see the Decemberists this Wednesday, May 25th at Avalon and I have an extra ticket! Tickets are $15.25. Does anyone wanna come with me?

I am probably going to meet up with some people there, like Frank who happened to message me today out of the blue, and possibly other ex-Newton Southers I'm not sure I know so well. Like Sarah Hale, who I've only met once or twice.

But it would be nice if I had someone to go with, who could take this extra ticket. Especially if those plans don't end up working out. So let me know if you're interested. I have two and a half days to find someone!

current mood: happy

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Saturday, May 21st, 2005
3:15 am - The Last Few Days
On Wednesday night I finally met up with Ethan and Sharon, who are both complete sweethearts :). We went out for dinner at Kaya for Japanese food. It was really great seeing them and nice to catch up for a bit. Unfortunately, I got there late because I got a little lost on the way to their apartment. It was definitely an off day for me and seeing as how I hadn't slept much for 2 days in a row at that point, I was very out of it. Also, we were all very tired and by the time we were done with dinner, I think we were all ready to pass out. It was still nice though and being out with them made me feel much better than I had been feeling all day, which was definitely a high stress anxiety day. However, I think we should get together again when we're all feeling a little more lively! I would love to see you guys again :). Thanks for being there guys.

So on my way home that night I had a bad experience. Reality sharply kicked in and the weight of everything suddenly seemed to hit me hard. I had a good cry but I still felt shitty so when I got home I went to bed. Or so I tried. I basically slept for 2 1/2 to 3 hours before I woke up with a start and couldn't get back to sleep. So I went to my computer at around 4:00 AM and I was online for about a minute when Rob messaged me. It just so happened that he also went to bed around the same time, ended up taking a nap, getting up at just about the same time I did, and we both ended up at the computer at the exact same time. Kinda funny how that happened. We ended up talking all night for 7 hours, or something crazy like that. Since it was approaching lunchtime by the time we ended the conversation we decided to meet up for lunch. I hadn't seen him in a long time, so it was nice to see him and catch up and reminisc about UML.

Lately, I've been feeling this overwhelming nostalgia for UML that I can't seem to shake. As horrible as some experiences were at UML, I did have a great time there and the things to come out of the UML experience have become so valuable and indispensable to me now. My social life was always great there. I made many great friends. I learned many extremely valuable lessons about the world and myself. I met an incredible guy that I ended up having this amazing, beautiful 3 year relationship with, not to mention the impact he has had on my life. He had become so important to me. He had become my greatest love, companion, and best friend. I can only hope that we will be able to remain close friends, but no matter what happens now, he will always be my best friend and companion at heart. And all this from being at UML. It makes me feel bittersweet in the most passionate sense of the word.

So anyway, right after lunch, I went with Mike to get him a new TV and VCR. It's a nice 27" flat screen (I think you made the right choice, btw :)). We had a hell of a time trying to fit the TV through the doorway of my little Toyota Corolla, but we managed. We were pretty tired by the time we could hook it up and enjoy it, but that's ok. Shortly afterwards, Martin came over and the three of us went to see Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, which I actually really liked. It's my favorite one out of the 3 new episodes. I think each episode got better with time. I think that this Star Wars movie finally had the right blend of action and dialogue, so that it was never boring, dry, or overdone. It was kinda like a Shakespearean tragedy. I know it's not really much of a comparison, but still, when I say that I'm actually referring to how it had all the elements of your typical Shakespearean tragedy. I'm definitely not saying that it was done as tastefully or as artfully as anything Shakespeare did :P. But it was emotionally engaging and the first one of the new Star Wars movies that had an emotional effect on me. I admit to tearing up at a few parts. Plus, it was really cool seeing how Anakin's character changes over time and how he finally develops into Darth Vadar. I think it was all done pretty effectively.

And then tonight I went out with Deanna, David and company :P. I went with them to see Star Wars Episode III again and still liked it the second time. I do have some criticisms though. One pet peeve is the use of CGI, which is used a lot and extremely obvious at times, but that is always to be expected in movies like that these days. No way to really get around it. And there was some pretty bad dialogue at times, particularly between Anakin and Padme in the beginning. It kinda reminded me of that old Star Trek episode that Tim and I used to love making fun of, where one character says to another, "You can't escape my love, my Love," in a very overdramatic way. Yeah, pretty cheesy. We had to laugh at it. I think Deanna laughed so hard she started to cry :P. Despite the cheeziness factor, I guess it was still kinda cute. Also, some acting could have been better at times, but overall, it was a good movie, better than I expected, and enough for me to enjoy seeing it two nights in a row. And I really like Natalie Portman. I know that for a while I thought she had become kinda mediocre but that has definitely changed since Garden State. And now I'm a big fan. She's so adorable. Watching her cry is so disheartening. She managed to make my heart sink in the movie towards the end, especially in the scene with Anakin, and then from there on. Another scene that made my heart sink was the scene between Anakin and Obi Wan in the end. That was powerful. Good stuff.

Oh! So after the movie we went out to dinner at Lemongrass to celebrate David's success at getting into college! I'm so proud and happy for you, David :). See? I'm so happy for you I couldn't help but mention it again :P.

Yeah, so I've had a fun-filled couple of days, but with highs and lows. And as much as I made fun of you, Mike, for going to see Star Wars Episode III two nights in a row, I know I ended up doing the same thing. However, it is still my job as a pain in the ass to tease you about such things :P.

current mood: okay

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Friday, May 20th, 2005
4:40 pm - I woke up in a funk this morning.
You would think that after the sleep deprivation I had experienced in the last week, a good night's sleep would make me feel better. As a good friend of mine always tells me, "Everything is always better after a good night of sleep." Another one of those lines that I always remember :). But I don't think it worked this time. Funny though, how I had felt better when I was up for 3 nights in a row, than after waking up from a good night of sleep. Lately I just don't get me.

I still have some difficult decision-making pending. I don't really want to deal with it. We'll see how things go.

I'm not having the easiest time coping with my anxiety. My anxiety levels are still very high at times. So much that little things start to get to me and make me worry unnecessarily and incessantly at times. I'm hyperalert, jumpy, fidgety, and somewhat unable to focus at times. I am aware that some of the anxiety I've been experiencing is somewhat irrational but I don't always feel able to control it. I may not have the disorder, but I definitely have mild obsessive-compulsive tendencies. It is possible to be obsessive-compulsive without having the disorder, which I'm sure I don't have because I don't really fit into it. But yeah, obsessive-compulsive tendencies are there, and as to be expected, are worse in significant times of stress. I get it from my dad. Yeah, I'm thrilled.

But there are times when I'm generally ok, too. Although, even when I am feeling ok, I notice that the anxiety is still there, just extremely mild. There are times when I don't feel any anxiety, but that's usually when I'm distracted enough by something else, like being out with my amazingly cool friends :).

current mood: anxious

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3:50 pm - Perfection
It is ironic how the very nature of perfection is flawed, and yet we try so hard to achieve it. By doing this, inevitably we end up finding more imperfections and problems than ever before. I have to keep asking myself, is it really worth it? Whatever perfection we may find is never really good enough, is it? So why not accept imperfection and be content rather than strive for perfection and be discontent. Achieveing perfection does not lead to happiness. It leads to an obsessive insatiable desire to reach a goal that can never be achieved.

Nothing is wrong with dreaming. Nothing is wrong with wanting to make improvements. Nothing is wrong with setting high standards for yourself and trying to achieve your goals. But is perfection really what we're looking for? No, I think it's something much deeper than that really.

So let's be daring. Let's dare to be imperfect.

current mood: contemplative

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